Updated: Oct 16, 2021
I am sure you are looking at your phone like this bish done gone crazy (@ my cover picture lol), but if you know me this is so appropriate. As I often reiternate, I love the last 4 months of the year; I call them the holiday months. My order of excitement is Halloween, Everything CHRISTMAS, then Thanksgiving (I went into labor last years thanksgiving, but I’ll share that story later). Reason I like Halloween the mostest ( I meant to say mostest) is because for one day, I don’t feel alone. I feel like people are their true selves and for once, can do what they feel like without judgement or labels. What do you mean Shana? 🤔🤔🤔
I often grew up listening to moderately-horrible stories about my maternal grandmother being this mean, selfish and cold woman. Yes, she did sine harsh, unforgiving things (like putting my mother out with me at 6 months) and she doesn’t always have the nicest things to say most of the time, but one thing I love about her is she is honest. She’s so honest that she can’t even take it the way she dishes it out ( have to word it just right at the right moment for the message not to get lost in translation). Fortunately for me, I have somehow created a relationship with her that allows me to be as honest with her as she is with others. A mutual respect was formed over the years, and with that she’s let me in. I understand a little bit as to why she is the way she is and how much we have in common (I’m going somewhere with this, stay with me). One of those commonalities is she’s alone quite often in her stance and how she operates. She says what she says and if you don’t like it, you are S.O.L. She doesn’t hold back and although I was included in the horrible act she committed to my mother, I use it was fuel. I see it as motivation to #1, never let myself get into a position to “put me out” and #2, for me and my daughter to never get to the point in our relationship where the disrespect goes that far. Anyway, I am the only one like me in my immediate family and I get teased. Not like ponting and laughing but smart ass comments like “you know how Shana is” or “you know she gonna have something so say or you gonna get fussed at”. In that same breath, I’m often the source of information or needed to help figure shit out. That gets old and it causes the introvert in me to activate. I now understand some of what my grandma used to say about preferring to be alone vs being fake to have people around. “People don’t care nothing bout you”. The older I get, I see what she means. I find the most comfort in my own head, getting lost in my own thoughts. To the outside world that looks like I’m sad or depressed, but I’m not. I’ve just shut down for maintenance.
While I’m there, I think to myself, maybe, I am the last of my kind. Nowadays, people are so fragile and sensitive. Or they are on this (also toxic) “positive vibes only” mess 🙄. It’s so much you “can’t say” that it’s hard for me to hold conversation with people. Hell, I don’t know what’s appropriate or offensive or not. It becomes too much and to keep from the judgment or the label of being “judgmental”, I don’t let too much of what I have to say come out of my mouth (even with family). So,
sometimes, it’s safer just to keep it surface level. HOWEVER, on Halloween, is perfectly acceptable (and my excuse)
Moral of the story: To my fellow witches, it’s time to start dusting off our broomsticks and stirring our witches brew in the cauldron.
Until next week my pretties,